Most people would do anything to revisit their childhood, but you're doing everything you can to forget it and move on.
Having grown up in a house where one or both of your parents felt trapped in a toxic marriage, you're no stranger to isolation. You perhaps even know what it's like to feel invisible to your parents, because more often than not, they. You know what it's like to be a 5-year-old, lying on your bed awake at night and listening to your parents argue for hours. You know what it feels like to not have the rosy memories that everyone raves about when they get nostalgic about their childhood. All because your parents had too many problems in their marriage to give you the care and attention you deserved while growing up.
Some manage to grow past it as they grow older, but many tend to carry the invisible scars of an unloved childhood well into adulthood, and into their relationships.
For years, you may never have given love or relationships a chance, because the first relationship you were witness to was disruptive and filled with the toxicity. The turbulent marriage between your parents affected the way you perceived love in a relationship, and that is perhaps now visible in the way you express affection towards your own partner. As you grew up, it is also possible that you never allowed yourself to be intimate with someone or you stopped yourself in the beginning because you thought every relationship or marriage would end up like theirs.
You believed your father and mother were the most important people in your life, but you couldn't trust them to show up for you because they were always struggling to deal with their own issues. Your parents pushed you to invite people on your birthdays but you were embarrassed when they started arguing and blaming each other for the littlest things in front of your friends. Neither did you see any trust between them, and nor could you trust them to be there for you as involved parents because their own bitterness for each other would get in the way.
Even when you were never the problem, you still blamed yourself sometimes for what was going on in the relationship. You would try to mend things between your parents and hope that they would stop fighting all the time. And when you realized you couldn't fix things for them, you blamed yourself for that, too. You would have done anything to see them happy, but it took so long for you to realize that there wasn't anything you could do.
A lot of times, you had to figure things out on your own because your parents couldn't give you the emotional support that you needed as a child. And this forced you to learn things on your own and become mature before other children might have had to. Most of the time, what was normal to all your friends and classmates wasn't normal for you, and you struggled to deal with that for a while until you made peace with it.
Having parents who were always distracted by their own emotional battles never gave you the chance to grow up with confidence. You silently struggled by yourself because they forgot about your needs or overlooked your feelings. When you blamed yourself for the negativity between them, you always doubted yourself and thought you weren't good enough and believed that was the reason for them fighting. You grow up with a fractured self-esteem, but as you became an adult, you slowly tried to leave behind the hurtful experiences and believe in yourself.
You lived a significant part of your life in a home that always had tension. And unknowingly, you soaked up their energy. You may have projected it out by being violent to others or yourself, or you may have struggled with anxiety or other mental health issues. Being a confused and helpless child, stuck in a house with two parents who can't stand each other, never gave you the comfort of a real home. While their negativity might have rubbed off in the beginning and you might still be carrying some of those scars, you will realize that healing from them is possible.