The insecurities he created in you grew up with you. You blame yourself when things go wrong because he blamed you for everything your entire childhood.
You went through your entire childhood trying to win the love of your father, but the man who was meant to be your very first hero was the man you feared and tried so hard to please. Now that you've grown into an adult, you still sometimes think of your father and turn back into the unloved little girl that you were and you still struggle to heal from the scars.
"Nothing you do is ever good enough for a toxic parent. They find fault with everything," wrote Sharon Martin, a licensed psychotherapist and codependency expert, for PsychCentral. Your father may have exaggerated all your flaws and it stopped you from seeing the strengths that you have.
Growing up, your father was meant to be the one person you could have trusted to have your back. But he always made you feel like you had to "earn" his affection. And even today, it's affected the way you look at relationships because you're afraid you will have your trust broken the moment you get too close to someone.
You struggled to be noticed by your father, and even in the rare moments that he did notice you, he made you feel like it wasn't worth the attention. What's more is that your father may have always tried to control your words and your actions, and because of it, you struggle to trust your own judgments as an adult. It took you time but you eventually learned it the hard way to not let people take advantage of you.
Your father always made you the scapegoat in every situation. "They won’t compromise, take responsibility for their behavior, or apologize," wrote Darlene Lancer, relationship expert and author, for Psychology Today. And now, when things go wrong in your life, you sometimes blame yourself even when it was someone else's fault. You push yourself to be a perfectionist and forget that it's okay to take it easy sometimes.
Your father never said sorry and probably never even said "I love you". Instead, he would always make you feel terrible and then call you sensitive or childish. The insecurities that your father created in you grew up with you, and sometimes when you're around people, they creep up on you and make you think that your thoughts are not worth voicing.
Your shoulders still carry the shame and fear from your childhood, and you stop yourself from giving your love to a man even when they are ready to give it to you. You still see reflections of the relationship you had with your dad in the relationships you have in adulthood. And because your father failed to be there for you when you needed him in childhood, you dtill wonder if a man will truly be able to love you.
Your father's words and actions made you believe that getting attached to someone would be something you will eventually regret. Even when you get into a relationship, you are constantly on the lookout for something they will do wrong, or you might perhaps even start pushing them away unintentionally. But when you see that your partner is patient and loves you for who you are, it's always best to give love a fair chance.
Disclaimer: This article is based on facts collated from different sources. The views expressed here are those of the writer.