Talking about your likes and dislikes and changing things could do so much for your sex life. But one person alone can't make it work, your partner should be equally invested.
Sexual chemistry might not be the only thing that makes a relationship work but it's still a part of the emotional connection that you both share. When you and your partner are on two different pages when it comes to sex, it could affect your happiness and satisfaction in the relationship. And it takes two to make things work; so if your partner is too selfish in bed, here's what they are likely to do.
When the goal of sex for your partner is just their orgasm but not both your orgasms, it shows how they're only concerned about themselves. Berit Brogaard, author and professor, pointed out that they might roll over and go off to sleep once they have climaxed, according to Psychology Today.
It's best to talk to your partner and find ways to understand each other's body and pleasure spots better. When your partner is willing to take the effort, you can improve your sex lives by trying new things. "If your partner is up to it, [couples do] an activity where they start from the feet to the head, and they feel each other, and pet, [and you see] where on the body each person feels the most pleasure," sex therapist, Lisa Hochberger, told Elite Daily. "Essentially, you figure out where your partner is the most sensitive, and how to deliver pleasure in a more effective way."
When your partner doesn't bother and cuts to the final act, they might only be seeing their sexual mood and not paying attention to yours. Sometimes, it might not be selfishness; she might rush through foreplay because she's never experienced it with previous partners or he might do so because he's worried he might not last till the climax.
Foreplay can be fun and it can be a great lead up to the orgasm, but only when you and your partner are ready to make adjustments. You can ask them to share what might work for them and you can let them know what might work for you. But if they are too hesitant or ashamed or just plain selfish to talk about it, it could lead to the growing dissatisfaction.
It's great when your partner wants you to orgasm, but it's not great when they make it an achievement of their own efforts. Sex and intimacy coach Irene Fehr pointed out that it's selfish when your partner sees “your orgasm as a trophy for their performance, and not for you for your pleasure." When you have an orgasm, they are not happy that you've climaxed but are more pleased thinking that they are the reason that got you there.
Ideally, your partner should be completely open and accepting of your sexual experience just as you are about theirs. Talk to each other about your likes and dislikes in the bedroom but if "they’re not interested in hearing how to pleasure you in a more effective way, then I think you should think twice about being with that person if they don’t care about your sexual experience,” Hochberger suggested.
Sexual chemistry only works when you both are ready to give in the same way that you get. "They receive and do not reciprocate," Fehr added. "When you ask [for] something you need or want, they give an excuse, such as they're too tired or they have to be at work the next day. At the same time, they expect their requests to be met with enthusiasm, seriousness, and follow-through."
It's not fair to see that your partner is only thinking about themselves in the bedroom. "Relationships are about relating [meaning] negotiation, give and take, making adjustments and working with the other person, not just getting what you want for yourself," said Dr. Gracie Landes, a sex, relationships, and family therapist, according to Bustle. It could be that your partner is not able to recognize your needs, in which case you should be open about what you want. When your partner is ready to put in the effort, you both can try different things like giving massages, different foreplay, or new positions.
There's nothing to worry about if you and your partner are happy and satisfied with having sex in the same way or the same position. But if it's not working for you but your partner doesn't want to change things up, it could be that they are too selfish, or it could even be that they are just not aware of how to switch things up or they might not know how to go about it.
Ease them into conversations like this and get them to comfortably talk about trying new things. Let them know that you can take things slow. What's most important when you're trying something new is letting your partner know what you are enjoying. What could help is "complimenting your partner on what they are doing in bed that is working for you in the moment, and then gently suggesting additional things you would like them to try," said Dr. Kelifern Pomeranz, an AASECT-certified sex therapist. "Then [try] expressing excitement after the sexual experience, reinforcing behavior that you would like them to repeat in the future."
It is undoubtedly a red flag when your partner knows things are not working out for you but they are still refusing to talk about it or even make time to work things out. If you have been talking to them about what's wrong over and over again, you could try one more time, but from a different angle.
Instead of accusing them about why they have been avoiding your requests, try to get them to talk about why they don't want to indulge in them. It could be that the request you are making might not be something they are comfortable doing; for instance, you might like some things but your partner might be extremely uncomfortable doing so. But without communicating, you both will never get to know these little things. You both can find other methods or try out other things that you both are willing to try and might possibly enjoy.
If they are too selfish to see your point of view, then it shows how they don't care about fixing what's wrong. "If you're in a relationship where you consistently feel used or unappreciated, and your partner doesn't want to talk about it or do anything about it, those are pretty strong indications that you should evaluate what you are doing in the relationship," said Dr. Juan Camarena, a licensed marriage & family therapist and certified sex therapist. "All of us have the responsibility to try and get our needs met, and then make tough decisions when that doesn't happen."