This is the year you realized that the absence of one person is enough to make every part of your life feel damaged and incomplete.
On the first night of 2019, you lied awake in bed, thinking of all the endless possibilities and unforgettable memories that you thought would come your way this year. You don't know when you drifted off to sleep that night, excitedly looking forward to all that 2019 had in store for you.
It's been almost a year since that night and now you lie awake in bed for a completely different reason. The year was nothing like you imagined it would be; it's been difficult and it's been brutal. This is the year you realized that the absence of one person is enough to make every part of your life feel damaged and incomplete.
On the bad days, it's made you wake up every morning, willing yourself to get out of bed but your aching body and heavy heart didn't let you. On the good days, you decided to get out of bed anyway, despite the pit in your stomach and the dread you felt when you stepped out of the house.
This was the year you stood next to the lifeless body of someone you dearly loved—someone you thought you had all your life to spend with or someone you believed you still had plenty of time to share with but was taken away from you too soon.
The year, 2019 will be a year that you won't forget, not because of all the experiences but because of all the things you are left regretting. You've lost count of the number of times you wished for a few moments with them again, wanting to tell them everything that you thought you still had time to say.
This was the year you felt a storm of different emotions; you felt paralyzed in disbelief when you watched them slip away. You felt the rush of grief when you picked up the phone to share a big moment, but suddenly realized that you will never hear their voice again. You felt anguish when you saw other people sharing special moments with their loved ones, the kind that you no longer have the chance to have.
This year was different for so many reasons, and you will eventually find that 2019 almost separates your life into two—the life you lived with loved one in it and the life you start to live with them no longer a part of it. As you stand at the end of the year, you are left wondering how you will welcome another year because you imagined that your loved one would be right there with you, holding your hand as you step into the new year.
No matter how much you try, you will eventually find that nothing will ever feel the same again. You make peace with knowing that time will never turn back and you start embracing everything new that life will bring you in 2020.
The grief you feel may never disappear, but the more you address it, the more you will be able to cope with it. You might still find your eyes welling up with tears when you see their favorite movie playing on TV. You will still wish for the feeling of their arms wrapped around you when you have a bad day. You will eventually feel your heart learning to live with the sorrow. And slowly learning to experience joy and embrace the endless possibilities that come with each day again. When you start to frown, you will remember the way they would tell you, "Chin up, dearie! There's nothing you can't do once your heart is set on it."
As 2020 begins, you will take their memory with you and make them proud as you try to live the best year that you possibly can.
Disclaimer: This article is based on insights from different sources. The views expressed here are those of the writer.