"For a couple of years, I was not the same girl," the singer revealed
Prince Harry and Oprah Winfrey's new docuseries, The Me You Can't See, saw Lady Gaga open up about her past trauma and how it has shaped who she is today. The 35-year-old spoke about the aftermath of being raped and how she struggled with the excruciating pain she felt.
"I was 19 years old, and I was working in the business, and a producer said to me, 'Take your clothes off. And I said no. And I left, and they told me they were going to burn all of my music. And they didn't stop. They didn't stop asking me, and I just froze and I just — I don't even remember," Gaga recalled, fighting back her tears. She then explained that while she respects those who publicly reveal their attackers, she has decided not to reveal who her abuser is because she does "not ever want to face that person again." The songstress spoke about the time she found herself in a hospital, seeking help for the pain and numbness she was experiencing. "First I felt full-on pain, then I went numb. And then I was sick for weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks after, and I realized that it was the same pain that I felt when the person who raped me dropped me off pregnant on a corner at my parents' house because I was vomiting and sick. Because I'd been being abused. I was locked away in a studio for months," she said, reported PEOPLE.
Gaga explained that she had become a different person because of the pain she was experiencing which led to a "psychotic break." "For a couple of years, I was not the same girl. The way that I feel when I feel pain was how I felt after I was raped. I've had so many MRIs and scans where they don't find anything. But your body remembers. I couldn't feel anything, I disassociated. It's like your brain goes offline. It's a really very real thing to feel like there's a black cloud that is following you wherever you go, telling you that you're worthless and should die. I used to scream and throw myself against the wall," she said, according to PEOPLE.
Gaga then revealed that she had self-harmed recently and said, "You know why it's not good to self-harm? Because it makes you feel worse. You think you're gonna feel better 'cause you're showing somebody, 'Hey, look, I'm in pain.' It doesn't help. I always tell people, 'Tell somebody, don't show somebody.'" Gaga pointed out that recovery is an ongoing process and explained how triggers affect her, "even if I have six brilliant months, all it takes is getting triggered once to feel bad, and when I say feel bad, I mean, wanna cut, think about dying," she said. The songstress then shared some words of wisdom to those who are suffering themselves, saying that it is crucial to find "one person who validates you." "Everybody thinks [healing] is a straight line, that it's just like every other virus. That you get sick and then you get cured. But it's not like that, it's just not like that," she explained, according to PEOPLE.