You may think that I'm drowning in my sorrows, but I'm fighting them little by little and taking the time I need to overcome them.
Not everyone can bounce back from painful experiences when they begin to start overcoming them. Healing takes time. I was so strong for so long that I shattered under the weight of it all, and I found it hard to put the pieces of my life back together as quickly as everyone else wanted me to. When you experience a deep sense of loss, whether it's the loss of a loved one, the loss of something dear to you, or even the loss of a part of yourself in a relationship that took something away from you, it's hard to return to the person you once were immediately after.
I've seen amazingly strong people go through something incredibly painful and then go back to their lives as if nothing happened, only to crumble from the burden of pretending to be all right. I don't have to pretend to be all right because I know I can't feel all right so easily. I need time to heal the wounds of my past, I don't care if people look down on me for doing what's best for me.
The trauma I've been through can't be erased so easily. I need to give myself the time to process and come to terms with the pain I've been through. There is no short or easy way to do this because sifting through the broken pieces of my heart to salvage what I lost is not an easy task. I need to understand how I've been damaged by what I went through, and I need to take the time to figure out the ways I've changed because of my pain. When the emotions overwhelm me, I'm willing to take time out to deal with them, and I don't need to put a deadline on when I stop thinking about them because this is a process, and it will take time.
There are times when I'll need to focus on myself, and I won't be able to be the best I can be for my loved ones, no matter how hard I try. I know that I'll let people down because I'll be struggling with the demons of my past, but I won't allow myself to wallow in self-pity and guilt. I have come to terms with the fact that I am broken, and I may not get everything right until I have been through the process of healing. But I won't condemn myself for being broken because I need my own kindness and compassion to find solace in my darkest places.
Not everyone who has been hurt can emerge filled with love and positivity. Some of us are more prone to bitterness and anger than the rest, and if we don't deal with them, these emotions can creep into our relationships and hurt the ones we want to protect the most. In order to purge myself of the bitterness and sadness I feel, I need to first come to terms with the effect that my trauma has had on me. I need to acknowledge that the pain has brought out a dark side of me, and I need to learn to let go of these emotions in a healthy way.
As someone who is broken and healing, I often need time away from people and the space to be alone with myself and my thoughts. I may need to detach from my loved ones for some time and be alone, and that's completely all right. I don't have to apologize to people for not fulfilling all their expectations because this is what I need to do if I want to love them to the best of my ability. There are days when I'll wake up and realize that I just can't face the day, and I allow myself to take things one step at a time. These breaks refresh me and give me the energy to piece my life back together again.
Not every wound can heal instantly. Some traumas last a lifetime, and I may be coping with the effects of something that happened in my childhood thirty, even forty years later. I can slowly learn to cope with the emotions and triggers so that I can function, but there will be times when I have to bring up the same things over and over again, and that's completely all right. Even if everyone is frustrated that I haven't "moved on," I don't blame myself for being stuck in the past because I know that moving on isn't a switch I can turn on and off.
I give myself the best love and care I need and deserve, and it may seem selfish, but it's because I want to be the best I can be for the ones who love me and rely on me. I want to be a source of strength and inspiration to people who have been through trauma, and I want to be a shoulder to lean on for those who are newly broken and clueless about where to start healing. I allow myself to be imperfect and broken now because if I don't go through with the difficult process of recovery, I may always be bitter and angry at the world. And no one deserves to live that way.