Parents want the best for us and they try hard to make sure that we succeed. But sometimes they take it a bit too far.
As children, we count on our parents to support us, be our rock and teach us about the world. From the moment they wait with their arms wide open as we take our first steps to the time we accept our diploma and from the first job we get to finally meeting the person we want to live with for the rest of our lives, they are there with us. But there are times when you are down in the dumps and you just don't know why things are not working out for you.
You're constantly getting into fights and arguments, your self-esteem takes a hit when you see people who are doing better than you and no matter how much you try. And you just can't be happy with your work.
All of this stress just makes you feel worthless and you think that you can never get out of it. But maybe it's not what we're doing now that's making us this way. As children, we idolize our parents and we always want to make them proud of us. The values they teach you as a child stay with you forever, even if you rebel against it as a teenager.
For parents, they've got their own insecurities and stress and more often than not, they end up transferring that to you. They may unconsciously set you up to fail in life and neither of you is able to see past it because, in moments of stress, we only see things from our perspective.
Here are some ways that they cause your adult life to suffer the way it is though they really don't mean to.
While they cared for you, they thought they knew you better than you knew yourself. This ended up making you second yourself and your ability to take your own decisions. This is more likely if your parents had a hard time growing up, and they wanted to be able to give you the things that were never given to them.
Unfortunately, because you got everything you ever wanted, you grew up thinking that others would do the same and give you whatever you wanted. However, no one else is your parent who will be willing to provide things for you and others look at you as a person who has been spoilt. It's not that you are truly that way, it's just that you think it applies to every aspect of your life.
Parents see their children as someone they can mold. They believed that you would hang on to every word that they said and think of it as the absolute truth. So whatever opinions they had, they would make you emulate it. If they believed that being gay was a bad thing, you too would end up thinking that. As you grew older, you allowed their opinions to cloud your own and it caused you to see the world the way they saw it.
In an ever-changing world, it is important to be fluid and learn as much as you can about certain things so that you can form your own opinions. But people see you as rigid because you won't budge from your opinion which technically isn't even yours. Because of that, people find you hard to approach and open up to because they think you will judge them if their view of the world is different from yours.
One mistake a lot of parents make, across the globe, is comparing their kids to other kids. It isn't like their intentions are bad, and they probably just want you to be the best or better than others. But they think that making you feel like you aren't as smart or talented as another child will motivate you to do better. But all that has done is make you feel bad about your self because you can never seem to match up to your parents' standards.
You carry that same low self-esteem throughout adolescence and teenage years making it hard for you to accept compliments because you think the other person is mocking you. Even if you are proud of something that you have done, you are hesitant to share it for the fear of either being mocked or that someone else has done a better job than you.
Controlling parents cannot allow their kids to experiment, fall, make mistakes, and learn from them. While this might have been from a need to protect you, it also robbed you from the precious wisdom that comes from learning through experience. Making mistakes and being accepted despite them lets a child know that she is safe and loved no matter what. If you were punished severely for making mistakes, then as an adult, it is hard for you to try new things. Your actions and others' perception of you are closely tied to your self-worth.
Whether it was simple household chores like taking out the trash or doing your homework, it had to be done in a certain way. As a child, you remember being careful with whatever task you had at hand. The natural spontaneity of a child is curbed when parents closely watch how the child executes tasks. Even things like helping others seem forced. What could have been a happy occasion turns stressful, and you carry this anxiety even as an adult. You find it hard to relax and have a good time and you almost always have a mental to-do list that keeps you running.
In a work environment, this could cause a lot of problems because you're expected to learn on the job and do your work on your own. But you find yourself always asking someone else to do it for you or expecting someone else to complete a task for you. Even washing the dishes when you live on your own would become difficult for you. That's why it's always good to inculcate a habit of doing chores so that when that child grows up, they can take care of themselves without too much difficulty.
In your parent's mind, they wanted you to succeed in your academics so they made sure you did your homework every night, that you were active in class and that you were a favorite of every teacher. Anything that got in the way of that was bad for you and so, any hobbies that they thought would ruin your chances of getting into a good school or college, would be dismissed.
Even if you were good at it, they would think that it was not going to get you anywhere, so every time you got serious about it, they would shut you down. As a result, even as an adult, you now only focus on work and all your old hobbies and dreams lay in a box somewhere gathering dust. Because of that, others view you as a boring and uninteresting person who only wants to work. That kills off any chance of socializing and networking, making your work life and personal life not quite satisfying.
It's okay for parents to want you to do well in school but they seem to have high standards even for that. You could do well with a few B's and a couple A's and they would still be upset with you for not getting all A's. This is again where they start to compare you to the class topper and your self-esteem takes a dive.
This may motivate you for a while but as you spread your wings into adult life, you forget to stop and smell the roses. You end up taking failure extremely badly. While ambition is good, too much of it can cause you to lose focus of what's really important as well as friends and colleagues.
Parenting is not easy but neither is it easy for the child who grows up with certain behaviors because their parents taught it to them unconsciously. Your parents obviously love you but their teachings may be the reason for a few of your problems that don't seem to go away.
It's okay to have differing views from your parents and it's okay to do the things you want to do. You've grown up under their tutelage and now it's time for you to take that mantle of responsibility on. When you can identify the root cause of your problems, take steps to change it. Learn from your parents' mistakes as well as yours and give your own child a change in pace.